


even if it's just one day longer...

by Yui_Miyamoto



Category: Love Mode
Genre: Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Cross-Posted on LiveJournal, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-07-07
Updated: 2005-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-14 08:53:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29664807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yui_Miyamoto/pseuds/Yui_Miyamoto
Summary: Naoya searches desperately for Aoe.
Relationships: Aoe Reiji/Shirakawa Naoya





	even if it's just one day longer...

**Disclaimer – Love Mode is by Shimizu Yuki-sensei. Just know that I’m a diehard fan that’s in love with the series.  
**   
  
Without knowing it, you sometimes run away from me.  
  
I don’t know where these moments come from and I don’t know where they go. They exist in a world that seems to connect the past and the present together only with its binding thread, a fate sealed in red. At times like these, I’m at a loss at what to do.  
The red thread that you silently say connects us is just an off-color string smeared with the red substance of our veins mixed from both of our souls. When you look away from me with uncomfortable, quiet lips, there’s a tension that, at certain instances, wants to cut the thickness of our resilient, yet still fragile bond.  
  
I open the curtain and the colors of the sky are changing from warm into dark, cold ones, opening the canvas of the sky into newly painted exhibitions that’ll never return to their original shapes. The red-orange sun is pulled into the horizon, but I only imagine it because the enormous buildings before me block the rest of the scene.  
My palms are sucked by the closed window before me. They twitch because of the iciness of the outside touching my warmness and my fingers are tired from typing a research paper due the next day for my archaeology class.  
  
Sighing, I wait for him to come home as the bright sky quickly becomes swallowed into darkness covered in stars and moonlight.  
  
I know I shouldn’t worry, but he was talking in his sleep again. He rarely does that, but it must have been bad if he kept on changing expressions in his sleep. It contorted so much, but he was unable to cry or mumble anything coherent.  
All I could do was run my fingers through his hair and whisper into his ear that things were all right. He shook his head in response.  
  
“When will things ever become calm?” he asked me as he continued to sleep.  
  
My eyes became subdued and I sighed, but I still ran my fingers through his hair. I kissed his forehead while replying softly, “Life will continue as it should. There will always be things that will make us anxious, but don’t worry. I’m with you.”  
His face became serene once more.  
  
It was moments like these that reiterated to me time and again that his calmness was only a pond waiting for the stillness to be disrupted. He was worried over many things that he couldn’t ever say to me.  
  
It wasn’t that I wouldn’t understand, but they were so embedded that he had no words for them. They were just there, stuck inside his heart with no outlet.  
  
Maybe that was the same for everyone.  
  
I stepped away from my reflection and looked at the sleeves of the oversized white blouse of his that I wore. I tugged at the ends of the sleeves and smelled his scent still on it. I could feel the warmth of his kindness while wearing it. But why did he sometimes have that distant look telling me that his heart was shut off from me…  
  
…even himself?  
  
There is nothing to worry about. He always takes care of himself because he tells me that this is the way he does things.  
  
But, why can’t I just concentrate on editing my research paper? The pained sleeping face repeats in my mind over and over. It hurts me more and more.  
He takes care of me by paying for everything. He cooks and cleans because he wants me to fully concentrate on my college classes. He doesn’t let me do anything but focus on school.  
  
Because I’m so busy with classes, the only I can do is be there for him. After all, that’s all he asks of me.  
  
Is there really nothing I can do? Am I useless to you?  
  
“Aoe-san…” I close my eyes and his face, the one that looks as if it’s going to cry from the infliction but too prideful to, is clearly inside of my mind and scraping at my heart with a needle, peeling it off little by little like a key scratching the surface of a metallic car.  
  
I rub my palms over my eyes as I sob on your behalf and for mine also. Even when I try to be an adult with my emotions, I still act like a child that needs comforting.  
  
 _Why is it when I know you need me most is the time that I become helpless and aware of the things I can’t do for you?_  
  
I sigh and march to the bedroom to pull off my shorts. I put on some black jeans, take a jacket, and put my shoes on. As I step outside, I hold my hand out and watch the sky. It looks like it’s going to cry faster than me. Grabbing an umbrella, I close the door and walk quickly to his office.  
When I get there, they say he’s already left and no one knows where he’s gone.  
  
It seems pointless to look for him and there is no need for alarm. We trust each other implicitly, but my nails dig into my heart further and further, leaving a stinging feeling that makes the skin of my chest feel tender and raw.  
  
My mind wants to be rational, but my feelings nag me to find him.  
For some reason, I know that he needs me.  
  
Today, and NOW.  
  
I run through bridges and all over the sidewalks of the busy streets. There are people trying to block my way as they talk to one another, but I can’t hear anything. The only thing going through my ears is the beating of my pounding heart as I clench my hands tighter until my nails dig into my palms on the verge of breaking the thick skin.  
I almost want to throw the umbrella away in my frustration.  
  
“Where are you?” I whisper worriedly to myself while breathing heavily with my eyes searching and my head turning from side to side. “Where could you have gone?”  
  
In four hours, I’ve gone to all his usual hangouts and the ones we always go to. There is no sign of him. No one’s seen him.  
  
As the light changes into green, I look up to the cloudy sky. There are no more stars, but the full moon that peeks out when the clouds let it shine through.  
I don’t move even though there are people that shove past me and shout for me to go forward.  
  
My body is tired, but I won’t give up.  
  
I cough and the icy air stings me just a little with my ears aching. Running diagonally across the street, I stop to see the clock on one of the buildings say 11:37pm. To collect my thoughts, I go into a park I’ve always loved visiting.  
Whenever I need to think, I always go to the fountain that’s right in the middle of it all. It acts like a compass navigating the directions of how to get through all the greenery. There are children that run past it all day, but it is very peaceful.  
  
As I wipe the sweat from my head and grip onto the umbrella, I stop to see Aoe-san’s trenchcoat in front of me. He’s facing the fountain and I close my eyes.  
In the next moment, they open and are filled with nothing but tears.  
  
Slowly, but surely, I walk up to him. I am trying to be composed and stubborn as I always have been towards him, but my relief overwhelms me.  
  
“I know I should have waited at home, but I decided to pick you up from work today and you weren’t there.”  
  
His back is still facing me as I stand five feet away from him. The wind blows and chills my cheeks. I taste my tears as they pass over my lips.  
  
“...”  
  
He doesn’t say sorry or give any explanations. I don’t expect any. This is still something we fight over all the time. There are some things that I can’t assume and that he should just tell me so that I won’t misunderstand.  
Even when you understand each other, there are things that have to be made clear. Or else, it slips into doubt.  
  
Even when it’s not intended to.  
  
“Aren’t you supposed to be doing your paper?” He chuckles a little as he takes a drag of his cigarette. “I told you I’d be late and it was supposed to be so that you’d be able to fully concentrate without distractions.”  
“Why do you make these decisions by yourself, Aoe-san?”  
  
Plip. Plop. Plipplopplip…  
  
“Because you shouldn’t have to worry about things like that.” He drops his cigarette and smashes it under the toe of his right dress shoe.  
“But I’m not a child. I know what I’m supposed to do. I should be allowed to worry.”  
  
He looks at the sky as it cries onto his face.  
  
“I want to worry about things like that. And there’s no reason for me not to…” I walk up to him and drop the umbrella, grabbing the sleeves over his elbows. I pinch them in between my fingers as I push my head onto his back and stare at the wet ground. “…especially when you don’t tell me what’s going on in your head. I never know what you’re thinking. You won’t let me know what you’re feeling even though I know the intensity of your emotions.”  
I clench on even tighter. “How long will you keep me left out?”  
  
I press my head into his back even more and cry. “There are times when you’re so far away from me, and you’re not fair! You tell me to tell you everything about myself but you won’t say anything to me when it’s really important! You say that you’ll take care of it.”  
  
Then, I say it while unstitching the sewn parts of my damaged heart: “After all these years, am I useless to you?!”  
  
His right hand reaches over to pull on my left hand. Pulling it up to his lips while leaning his head forward, he kisses my fingers.  
  
The raindrops become a little faster in falling to the ground.  
  
“Today is the day that Shiki died.”  
  
My eyes widen. This shouldn’t come as a shock since I already know, but the way he says it is so tender and soft. He is reliving a part of his life that his voice tells me he wished hadn’t ever ended…  
The aching in my chest throbs with my heart wanting to burst outside of itself.  
  
“And this park reminds me of the time we first met.” He laughs in a way that I rarely hear. It is the one that makes my heart flutter because I know some part of his burden’s been lifted, even just for a little bit. “Candy rain, indeed.”  
  
I know I wanted to know, but some part of me doesn’t want to hear it. Maybe it’s just selfishness even though you want to be generous.  
Even though he doesn’t realize it, Shiki still holds some part of him.  
  
I…  
…just don’t want to see it.  
  
He presses his lips on my fingers again. “I’m sorry I made you worry, Naoya. Let’s go home.”  
  
I pull away and I know I’m acting like a kid. I don’t want to be this way. Don’t want to feel this way. Don’t want to act this way…  
  
He finally turns around to see my crying face. “Naoya…”  
“You’re doing it again.” I shake my head as I take a step back. “You’re pushing me away, dealing with it in your own way.”  
  
I can’t explain it, but as I look into his eyes, he understands somewhat through the clouded confusion.  
  
“Every day, I feel I’m being compared to someone else in between those deep eyes…  
Every day, I am reminded that you don’t need me because you keep on doing everything for me…  
  
The person that keeps you is Shiki-san! Only he can do something for you!”  
  
I smile while my tears come down the sides of my face in the same rhythm as the pounding rain. “IT ISN’T ME! I CAN’T DO ANYTHING!”  
  
There. You’ve made me say it.  
  
My heart cracks.  
I feel it rip thoroughly with every drop of crimson bleeding out of me.  
  
I turn around to run away from you now, but you catch up to me and pin me to a tree with one hand holding both of my crossed wrists over my head.  
  
“You’re wrong!” You shout at me, “Is that what you really think?!”  
“Yes!” I try to pull away, but he doesn’t budge.  
“Do you know how much deeper I fall in love with you every single day?” His eyes intensely puncture and penetrate into my whole being. “Do you know how much I have to hold back because I’m afraid of breaking you?!”  
  
More and more our clothes are being soaked by the rain…  
  
“Then break me! Do you think I’m weak?!”  
“No, I’m afraid of myself and how much I’ll consume you! I don’t want to hurt you and I want to make you happy. I want to keep you happy.”  
“And you do!”  
“I doubt that I’m strong enough to keep you this way.” He looks down at the ground. “Shiki used to give candy out calling it ‘candy rain’. I asked him what it meant and he said that he gave wishes away. He always smiled because he could never keep the wishes that he held deep inside, so he gave the illusion of dreams. I…”  
  
His head raises up and watches me with distressed eyes.  
  
I lean forward to kiss him on the lips.  
  
“I don’t know what you’ve gone through, but I’ll wait until you tell me. But please know that I won’t let you wake up from this dream. If you aren’t strong enough, then I’ll carry it for you.” I smile at him and press my cheek against his while whispering, “Let me understand. Break me if you must.  
There isn’t anything you should be afraid of.”  
  
At that moment, he kisses me hungrily while letting my hands go. We unbutton each other’s clothes as the rain keeps on falling on and around us.  
  
His tongue licks my neck as my pants fall to my ankles. I hold onto his back with my arms crossed over his shoulders while my back is being pressed further and further onto the tree.  
  
“Every day you’ve made me realize that I can’t ever live alone.  
  
That I can’t live without you….  
That you are the strength that I live upon and nothing else…  
  
That’s why I won’t ask anything else of you because you do more than you know. So even though there is a part that is Shiki’s…  
  
…everything else is yours.  
  
You can do what you want with it and I can’t do anything about it.  
But if you ever left me, I wouldn’t ever be the same.  
  
I won’t be able to stand up ever again.”  
  
Ah, so that’s what you couldn’t say to me. And so suddenly, everything makes sense for a brief period of time...  
  
“That’s why I chose you. You’re stronger than anyone I’ve ever known.”  
  
I snuggle against him and hug his head even more lovingly.  
  
I don’t know why you continue to feel this way. And I don’t know everything about you, but that never really mattered to me. I am a patient person. I just needed you to trust me in being strong enough for you.  
All I want to know is that your heart is here with me and that it will stop hurting and bleeding. I don’t want you to torture yourself because I love you very much. You’ve done nothing but made me happy ever since you took me in.  
  
“How could I ever leave you if you’re the one who gave myself back to me when I thought I lost everything?”  
  
These are the things we tell each other without words.  
These are our innermost thoughts…  
  
We continue to kiss one another passionately as I cry with the rain drenching us in its coldness.  
  
Don’t worry, Aoe-san. I’ll make sure the thread is securely tightened.  
Even if it’s just one day, I will live longer than you so that you won’t ever feel that excruciating loneliness ever again…  
  
So, please,  
don’t run away from me anymore...  
  
  
 **Owari.**

**Author's Note:**

> Reiji and Naoya are one of my most favorite couples in the world. They’re next to Seishirou x Subaru, and Ryuichi x Tatsuha in my eyes. Though I enjoy Sei x Su for its angst, Reiji and Naoya are the other side of ideal love to me.  
> So, don’t ask me how this fic came about. It just emerged by itself. I just hope I’ve characterized them correctly. I’ve not read about them in more than a year. ^^;;;
> 
> I challenged myself to do many things in a small amount of pages. But sometimes, I wish I could write faster.  
> That amuses me because I know there would be many people who would tell me that my prolific nature is something to be envied. However, my counter to that is that being prolific means a great responsibility in delivering a quality fic that will engage your audience every time they open up a new story of yours. I am just lucky and grateful to my readership that encourages me on. I still feel deficient as a writer, aiming for unattainable perfection.
> 
> Regardless, I hope you enjoyed it. ^_^ But, ow. My heart kept on aching throughout the fic…
> 
> Love, Yui


End file.
